Count Chocula & Lucky Charms
Charms are effective against vampires, so the chocolate and marshmallow flavors unfortunately cancel each other out. This mix might as well be marketed as Bran Stoker.
Rating — 1 star
Original, Honey Nut, & Apple Cinnamon Cheerios
Truly the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit of cereal mixes. Our kids eat this on Sunday morning before church.
Rating — 5 stars
Vanilla Life & Frosted Flakes
Pretty much an edible metaphor for how a boring life can be improved with cocaine. This mix is banned in the US because it's more than good, it's *sniff* great! The kingpin behind its distribution—Tony "El Tigre" the Tiger—is on the FBI's most wanted list.
Rating — Schedule II drug
Trix & Special K
Tricks are for adults too, for now you can fool yourself into believing you're eating healthy.
Rating — 3 stars
Kix & Rice Crispies
Tastes fine but it looks like half the bowl is suffering from sickle cell anemia. The sickly crackling sound does not help.
Rating — a medical prescription for Droxia
Fruity Pebbles & Cocoa Pebbles
I can only describe the look as The Flintstones universe after desegregation. Goes well with skim, 2%, oat, and Harvey Milk.
Rating — endorsed by Billy Porter
Cheerios & Lucky Charms
Eating this mix really takes me back, specifically to when the Good Friday Agreement was signed.
Rating — permitted trade good under the post-Brexit Northern Ireland Protocol
Captain Crunch & Cocoa Puffs
I was appalled when this mix was approved as a cafeteria breakfast item by the Alabama public school system's nutritional board. Their reasoning? It's "a tasteful way to teach kids about the Atlantic slave trade."
Rating — 1 star and a lawsuit