MLK Day: The nation's Black comedians put on a Def Comedy Jam-style special where they play key individuals from the Civil Rights era. The show is criticized for Malcolm X's excessive use of the phrase "jelly roll".
Groundhog Day: Movie theaters run Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray every day for the month of February.
Super Bowl: The mascot for the leading team performs the halftime show while the other mascot is a backup dancer. If it's a tie, viewers get what they really want: 15 minutes of those Budweiser nature documentaries where a dog and horse are best friends.
Valentine's Day: Couples do a Roman Empire-themed escape room modeled after Saint Valentine's prison cell. Winners get tickets to see Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. Losers get a free week trial of couples counseling.
St. Patrick's Day: At the cathedral, a priest covered head to toe in vibrant green attire baptises a baby dressed as the Lucky Charms mascot while the family films the rite. During editing, the priest is made invisible via green screening so the video looks like a leprechaun taking a bath.
April Fools: Comedy clubs host open-for-women-named-April mic nights.
Easter: Cable networks broadcast an MMA match between the Easter Bunny and post-resurrection Jesus. Remember: Jesus always wins, so make sure you bet all your chocolate eggs on Him.
Tax Day: Actually, can the IRS keep pushing this one off? Thanks!
Cinco de Mayo: Those making Star Wars puns are pelted with inauthentic Mexican food. A live mariachi band playing happy and upbeat music sets the Tostitos-tossing tempo.
Eid al-Fitr: Children who wake up on time for the morning community prayer at the local mosque are awarded money and treats from the aunties. Those who sleep in just get a bag of old medjool date pits leftover from Ramadan.
Juneteenth: The nation partakes in various celebrations and other observances during this federal holiday.
4th of July: At the family barbecue, someone dressed as Uncle Sam reads a bootleg Dr. Seuss book called Red, White, & Blue Eggs and Ham to the kids. Such food is on the grill. No one eats it.
Labor Day: You and your friends get together in the evening for a bonfire hangout to set all your white clothes on fire.
Halloween: Trick-or-treaters ask their neighbors for candy. Those who refuse wake up the next morning to find a giant hollowed out pumpkin filled to the brim with crushed bugs on their stoop. In the mailbox is a Beetlejuice DVD but in the case for It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
Thanksgiving: The family debates why the president pardons a turkey. Your vegan cousin says it's to encourage the humane treatment of animals. Your racist uncle argues it's because turkey is considered "white meat".
Black Friday: Jeff Bezos gives a tour of an Amazon warehouse to five randomly selected children à la Willy Wonka. The children return home very upset after witnessing appalling work conditions à la Willy Wonka.
Hanukkah: The family holds a dreidel tournament each night. The winner gets to choose a song by the pop rock band Haim to add to the Spotify playlist, played later over latkes.
Christmas: With respect to the front lawn manger display, baby Jesus is Black or white depending on whether Beyoncé or Taylor Swift garnered more Grammy nominations that year.
New Year's Eve: At midnight, the headline musical guest on Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve sings the original Scots-language version of Auld Lang Syne with no accompaniment while the host ritualistically burns a calendar.